A few steps to hell and back

I am writing this post with tears in my eyes. I cannot say for sure
if they are tears of happiness or sorrow. What I do know for sure
is that they sting. I can taste their saltiness as they run past
my mouth and I wonder if my eyes are red yet. I am waiting for news.
News that will change my life.

The past few weeks have revealed a lot to me about myself.
I used to be scared of being alone, so I surrounded myself with
people that ended up hurting me. I used to base my decisions
on how other people would feel. Now, I've learnt that the best
decision is the one where you choose to do good. Not everyone will
like this. Some may even hate you for this. But in the end,
you'll be happy. I know I sound like this is my will,
but you'll soon understand.

December 2009, my doctor 'proposed' that I had a form of cancer
known as Choriocarcinoma. People who know me always jokingly
ask "what disease have you not gotten?" This is because I usually
fall ill. Even though, this news made me cry. I told my sister.
Only my sister. Two weeks ago, I finally gathered the courage
to get a test done. This time, I told no one. I did not want
to put anyone through the suspense. So I went through it alone.

I'm presently waiting for the results of my test.
I hate hospitals. The smell drives me crazy. I watch people
setting appointments and wonder what ailments they have.

The lab technician walks out of the lab. I can see he's holding
my file. He walks towards my doctor's office and returns empty
handed. I count to ten and a nurse asks me to go into his office.

Now he's reading the file. He doesn't complain about my phone.
I wonder what he sees. He's looking at me and saying nothing.
I have to drop my phone.




It's negative.