Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Expectations and the weak willed


I apologize for the long silence. I'm not dead though, I just went on a little break while I tried to make decisions about my future.

Yesterday night, I let my mother talk me into trying this new diet drink she got. Tasted good but this morning, I had a terrible tummy ache. I'm sure if I gave you three guesses, you would figure out where I was typing this post on the second guess.

For as long as I can remember, I had an impression of what I wanted to do in future. This dream is not something I mention to a lot of people. Even my mum had no idea. It however involved reaching the highest peak of study and teaching in a prestigious university.


When I told my mum, she freaked out. She said I would live comfortably and not filthy rich. I still have my mind made up.

I have parents that excelled in their chosen fields and this makes them believe they know what's best for me. Maybe they do. However, they do not know what will make me happy, I do. The only problem is that I cannot stand up to my parents.

It funny how in every exam I take, I am not trying to keep up with my peers. I am busy trying to keep up with my parents.

When I have kids, I'm going to tell them to set a bar for themselves because trying to reach the bar my parents set for me might just kill me.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Public speaking for the troubled mind

           I am what i like to call a stage manager. I set up the stage so the actors get their 15 minutes of fame. But i'm not in film school, I'm a telecommunications major. So, the other day, i wrote a paper on a topic i won't bore you with. I was supposed to write this with my 'group members' but they did not do their part. I was ok with doing the whole project because we struck a deal; i write the paper, someone else presents. This is what i do. However, the day of the presentation came close and none of my group members could read up in time to present. Final vote, i had to present the paper.

          I hate public speaking. Everyone is looking at you and i cannot stand the sweaty palms. Anyway, i battle with the shaky voice and almost wet my pants but finally present my paper to my dean and four other students. I almost die from the encounter but he likes it. He likes it so much that i'm presenting it at a national conference, to over 400 people. Panic attack anyone?

Friday, October 9, 2009

Bug..... Bug.... BUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



                  I used to think roaches were the most annoying insects on earth. Boy was i wrong. Crickets and grasshoppers beat them hands down. My room keeps on getting infested with these pests.   The other morning, i woke up with a cricket on my left arm. I've heard of parrots on your arm but crickets? I screamed and jumped about like a mad person for about 5 minutes. The amazing thing is that my roommate remained asleep all through this. I could no longer sleep on my bed and only got the courage, the next morning, to finish a can of insecticide underneath my bed. The second night, i woke up with a cricket on my right arm. "Oh, now we interchanging?" sigh. There goes another can of insecticide. I hate crickets.

           So i am complaining to my roommate about how these insects are BUGGING me. I ask her why she's always asleep. She does not reply. That night, a grasshopper and a cricket were playing tag beside my bed. While i was jumping about and screaming like i do best, my roommate jumps up and swats both of them in one take. WOW. Who needs insecticide when you have my roommate. HE he he he

Friday, October 2, 2009

Pump the throttle!!! Fool

                   I am one of those breeds of girls that have accepted the fact that they are dependent. I like the Destiny's Child song 'Independent Women", but thats as close to independent as i get. To top it all up, i tend not only to be accident prone, but to have a tendency to get in trouble. However, i am blessed, my friends are cut out to handle me and various my situations.


                  Today was one of those days when i wish i had rabbit feet. I called a cab to take me to the market. Everything was all peachy until the car stalled. Experienced drivers (like myself) know that when a manual geared car stalls, you turn the keys and pump the throttle. However, i was lucky enough to end up with a driver who did not know this. He kept on turning the key in the ignition without throttling. I wonder how he started the car in the first place. Anyhoo, the dude pops the hood and starts messing with his engine then comes back and repeats his miserable attempt at starting the car.



                 You are probably wondering why i dint tell the dude how to do it. I did, but he wudn't listen. He actually said "Let me handle this, i know what to do". then he calls a mechanic and next thing the engine is on the floor. At this point, i called my best friend and all he said was "where are you?". I was picked up and safely in the car before my two bffs started laughing.
Sigh. What would i do without them? probably still be there with Mr. I don't Know How to Drive. Hisssss

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Inside a lover's mind

I have a major flaw, i love to criticize. I do it unconsciously and now i think when i die i may be remembered as someone who never had anything good to say about anyone. Sigh! 2010 resolution..... compliment people before you criticize them. Listening to John Stuart Mills' view of morality and this popped up in my head:



I miss you when you're away,
my heart aches in ways i cannot explain.
But when i get you by my side
i wish you would just die

You kiss me, so sweetly
i want your lips to wither away
You touch me, such tenderness
i hope your hands shrivel up

I can hear your heart beat
as you whisper sweet nothings
Nothing, is what i want to hear
Yes, i wish you would just die

Monday, September 28, 2009

Random thoughts of a psycho

I have been staring at my computer screen for over an hour. At the back of my mind,  ideas were floating. Most of my ideas do that and sometimes its pretty hard catching them. Anyways, i finally got a hold of this idea but it came up with a million others and i thought this was hilarious. You may not, but i'm crazy like that. The result was a cocktail of thought, a bit sour but it'll grow on you.

To crave happiness, that feeling of ecstasy
To want what others have
because ours never seems enough
Human nature is curious nature
curious because we are
and curious because i ask
what drives us to do what we do

I have lost fights i thought winning was my destiny,
waited for fate to block all but one on crossroads.
Fairy tales exist but their truths are brutal,
reading between the lines is instant death.
Uncovering secrets and wishing them dead.

 Ignorance is bliss for the stupid
then call me dense
cos i derive ecstacy from not knowing
Its so much easier that way
The irony of my situation
is the downfall of my character
For where i pay the least attention
i remember the most


Tuesday, September 22, 2009

A Birthday Wish

Standing in the middle of the field
waiting for the rain to come
Looking for salvation
something to cleanse my sins
I raise my head to the sky
teardrops roll down my face
What is freedom
and what is pain
I search for one
and find the other


Weighed down by all my sorrow
gasping for air
Fighting the burdens at my feet
trying to fly
Heal my broken heart
and leave my wounds
For one will maim me
the other would kill me


I feel age creep up on me
its claws try to grab me
I seek redemption
who will be my savior?
I scream to the coming rain
"liberate me from myself "



Thursday, September 17, 2009

Deadly little secret

I had a little secret
so i dug up the ground
and buried it
My secret grew
grew and grew
until it was something new
This new secret was big
so huge it broke the ground
i was scared people would see
so i called a friend 
we blocked it with a tree
The next day, she was dead
I felt i killed her
so i called my sister
we buried my friend
under the tree
beside my secret
My sister tripped
on a branch from the tree
she fell and hit her head
and i left her
there beside my secret

My father saw this happen
he ran towards the tree
i thought he would grab me
so i turned to flee
but the shock caught up with him
his heart gave way
what more can i say
he fell under the tree
right beside my sister
my friend and my secret

I had a little secret
nothing sinister
so, i buried it
it grew and grew
and killed my father
my friend and my sister

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

The Art of karma (On a lighter note)

I grew up to the notion that if you do good to others, good will come to you. If you do bad, you will be hit with bad luck. I am not talking about the kind of bad luck you see in drama movies. I am talking about classic comedy type bad luck. Like walking on the road and getting a nice doze of cold water from a passing car. I think that's funny luck. Maybe not funny for you who got splashed, but a hell lot of funny for onlookers. 

 However, a friend was nice enough to inform me that karma is not a very reliable art. Apparently, you can get punished for something you did in your former life. Say what? I don't even remember things i did when i was one. Now we are talking about a past life. This friend of mine is of the belief that we are all recycled and no matter how much formatting is done, some viruses follow us into our next lives. 
I have a personal problem with karma; i think it never gets anything right. It either comes almost immediately, in which case its effects are little and easily gotten over. Or, it takes its time and then it overreacts with punishments that far outweigh the initial wrong doing.


I don't even want to add the part of the past life. How do i get punished for something i did in a past life. I DIED! is that not punishment enough? I think the only thing good about karma is watching people who talk too much get splashed by a passing car or stepping in poop. Sigh... just spilled a drink on myself, look what karma is doing to me and i haven't published this post yet.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

A Perfect morning and the What if syndrome

I am not sure if i had been awake for a while, you know that point where you are dangling between dreamworld and reality or if i really was sleeping. I do know that the buzz from my laptop made me get up. I would not say i have a lot of friends. It is not because i am a loner or what not, it is just because i have a problem socializing. So when i do make friends, i know they are special. Anyways, he made me smile and he hit me with the bombshell: The poem he wrote during summer. It made me happy and yet sad. I haven't read something that has touched me in this way for a very long time and so, i am dedicating my perfect morning to a perfect friend. Here's our little secret shaped like a tree:

What if Syndrome.
What if i found a flower that you were so sure
If left alone for a while would blossom to something more.
What if i gazed on this flower and was consumed with an obsession
i couldn’t see how beautiful what i already had in my possession.
What if my flower vanished and left me petals of pain
Would i be selfish to ignore her, would that make me insane.
What if i was half dead and saw her looking from above.
Would that make me crazy, or I'm i just in love.
What if after all is said and done, after all my sorrows are gone.
I am still left with my worries,
of all that could be left of her
 are nothing more than memories.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Running from Norm

I am writing this peering from behind thick lens. Yes, finally got those glasses. I hope it makes me see things clearly and i am not talking about pictures and texts, i am talking about what is going on between the lines.
Two years ago, i was almost at the end of a race i was running. Do you ever get that feeling of giving up when it is so close to the end? I did not. Don't hiss yet and think i am being vain. The truth is, i did not get those feelings because it wasn't close to the end of my race AT ALL. Two years later, i have finally reached the end of my race and i have those feelings. It took me two years and did i learn anything? well, that's a different story.
Life isn't life until you have lived it and probably killed someone. Hold up! I'm not talking about murder here, i'm talking about slander, and betrayal and hurt. You know, those things we do everyday to people. WE apologize for them but in reality, what's sorry?
This was going through my head for a while, like a fly over a dustbin. I would try to swat it away but it just kept on returning. The funny thing is, every time i tried to write, it did not come out just right. It finally hit me at the beginning of a class, while the professor was setting up his projector. It felt a little raw, a little different from what i'm used to but who said old dogs don't learn new tricks.
I haven't written in a while so i may be a lil rusty, but this is what i wrote:
The Gun that Killed Me

I did not shoot the gun that killed me
I bought the gun that ended my life
loaded it with bullets that pierced me
i put the nozzle in the right position
it faced my heart and couldn't miss
i got all the details ready
but i did not shoot the gun that killed me

I changed my mind about dying
he changed my mind about dying
i gave him the gun to hold
i did not want my mind relapsing
i forgot about the gun he held
forgot about the bullets it held
i changed my mind about dying

he did not forget about dying
he changed my mind but his remained
he did not forget about the gun
about the bullets it held
he remembered the gun, and the bullets
he put the nozzle in the right position
placed it to my heart and couldn't miss

i did not shoot the gun that killed me

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

The chauvinist in me

I want a guy who woos a girl but doesn't forget his pride. A guy who treats me like a queen but remembers he's the king. You could spend on me all you want or tell me you're broke. Just don't depend on me all the time because i'll take your pants and put them on and i may not know i'm doing it. I want a man who dosen't start what he can't finish. Don't pick me up while you're wooing me if you know it's all going to stop when we get into a relationship. Say it how it is and not how it should be.
I want a man who lets me be in control. Don't get me wrong, i'm not in control, he just lets me think i am. Don't let me walk all over you and then later on in the relationship, you complain about me not respecting you. Sweetie, you give me a footmat, don't complain when i dust my feet on it. You want respect? Show me who's boss. Show me you rule your world and you want me to be a part of it. Show me you respect me well enough to want me to be a part of your world. Don't worship me like i'm your god and then later expect to rule me. You gat it twisted honey.
But wait! Because i let you control me, don't et it into your head that you own me. I am a rare gem and i am not afraid to make you beg.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

The voodoo that you do

Rabbit feet, lucky socks, red candles, and spells are just the beginning when it comes to magic. Superstitions are notions strongly followed because, due to some coincidence of sort, they are believed to be true. Despite advance in technology, superstitions and myths continue to play a major role in our society today.
Superstitions range from good luck gotten from hitting one’s right leg against a stone, to the seven years of bad luck gotten from breaking a mirror. Tales go as far back as ancient Egypt, where either good luck or ill luck befell people because they either followed a superstition or did not. For example, cats were seen as holy in ancient Egypt, any person that mistreated a cat, was believed to be doomed to Hades for eternity. On the other hand, if a person treated a stray cat with enough respect, whatever venture the person went into always flourished. Although scientists have proven these tales of good fortune and ill luck to be nothing but coincidences or myths, superstitions are still being followed religiously and these hold numerous effects.
Belief in magic can be harmful to a society. It can bring about an astonishing fear of the person being believed to deal in this magic. Using the Salem witch-hunt as an example: the people used different ignorant tests to determine if a person was a witch and if the person failed these tests, the person was sentenced to death by burning at the stake. They did not understand medicine, and saw it as the devil’s tool and as such, resorted to killing off anyone that showed signs they considered supernatural.
Furthermore, superstitions can be harmful to a person. They can cause a person to be restricted. For example, if a person believes the superstition that says seeing a black cat cross a road means bad luck for the rest of that day. This could cause the person to remain indoors to try to avoid the full brunt of the bad luck. This person is throwing away a day full of possibilities just because of a superstition. In addition, a superstition states that if you break a mirror, it brings along seven years of bad luck. If a person breaks a mirror and due to an unforeseen coincidence, gets bad news later on, this person might actually believe that he or her seven years of bad luck has begun. A weak-minded person might resort to suicide so as not to experience the alleged seven years of bad luck.
On the other hand, belief in magic can be useful to a person as they can bring in profit. Fortunetellers, palm readers, and seers earn a living by feeding off peoples thirst for magic. Just how true these readings are, is unknown but there are recorded cases of people who claim to have had everything predicted, come true. Producers have realized that movies, series, and books based on magic tend to get more audience. One of the highest grossing book series, Harry potter, was based on magic and although initially intended for kids aged between seven and fourteen, it ended up appealing to readers of all ages because it satisfied the average human’s thirst for magic and the unexplainable.
In addition, superstitions can be useful to a person as it can help boost optimism. It has been scientifically proven that just going about a day with a positive mental attitude can make all the difference. It can boost the flow of blood in the body and makes one healthier. A superstition states that finding a lost penny is a sign of good fortune to come. If a person that believes in this superstition finds a lost penny, this person expects a flood of good luck to come their way and as such, looks for the unseen benefit in every cloud from then on; this will boost the person mentally and in the end, physically.
Conclusively, superstitions and belief in magic have always been around and will always be around. They have acted as determining factors in elections, mergers, and even contracts. Although we may critically analyze them with science and find wanting in terms of explanations, we will continue to throw the salt over our shoulders and avoid walking under that ladder. Superstitions and myths have both negative and positive effects and neither outweighs the other. In the end, it is all about the fact that these are beliefs we are not yet willing to part with.